The fic from years ago that ended it all...
For Megan and Candace. And for you.
I didn't recognize the place. I was on the sidewalk and there were cars passing by on the road beside me. I was walking and listening to music and, out of nowhere, with no major shriek, some car accident just happened. I couldn't tell how or why, but a car just smashed against a lamppost. I took some time to comprehend what had happened, while no one else seemed to care about the accident. There were people going by, just like me, but none of them stopped. No one even looked at it.
I made a move and walked over to the car.
There was someone in it and the person seemed to be breathing. It was definitely a man, with short, dark hair and broad shoulders. I got closer and closer. I opened the passenger door and then I saw—
It was you.
You, who had meant so much to me for years already; you. That source of energy that always left me breathless, powerless; you. It was you and I was in panic.
I called your name, twice and again, and then you opened your crystal eyes and turned to me. Your eyes, though, no longer had the magnificence I was used to. They were dark and profound, and I saw hurt and blood in them. I felt all the fear in the world. I was scared and didn't know what to do. Somehow you knew my name and you sighed it between your difficult attempts to breathe. You lungs could only be hurting you so much, but you insisted in calling me again. Then I saw the tears blurting out of your eyes down your cheeks over your lips.
I felt all the fear in the world. I felt like screaming, but nothing came out. Not even your name… I was scared and left with no words to help you. I still had my movements, but I was moving so slowly. I was trying to get you out of the car, and wished you had only minimal injuries, but your wounds proved to be too deep already. I felt all the fear again while I tried to get you out of the vehicle, as you whined in your pain. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I thought that the best to do for you was to take you out of all those pieces of glass left on the seats.
I looked around to try and get some help for the both of us. I was equally injured, hurting and bleeding and crying just like you, not in pity, but in pain because of you and what I witnessed. I shouldn’t be the one to save you from that nightmare; you deserved something so much better. Yet I would always save you from hurt and pain and blood, and I felt close to you when you rested your orbs onto mine. I should have never found you in such ache; it only made my heart yelp for assistance, it only made my cries turn into shouts; not my despair, but of your ache. Because it was all about you you you.
I didn't bother to look around and call for help; those people passing by would only ignore my cries and your pain. They didn't care. They didn't know. They couldn't possibly know how much we were hurting together, you in my arms like that and me so powerless as I held you. I was trying to keep you alive, but you were whimpering in pain, your throat released little terrifying sounds, and I focused only on you.
You only had me and I only had you, and I wanted to cry to so bad. There was the same fear in my heart, all the fear in the world, and I just let it go. I cried in front of you, not ashamed of what you might think of me, but scared that the salt of my tears would burn your skin or your wounds. You managed to whisper my name again, among the chokes that you were fighting and all the painful whimpers. I stared at you intensely again and the red in your eyes made me turn my gaze away. I couldn't stand the thought of you hurting; how would I ever endure the sight of seeing you so weak, powerless as you always left me?
I felt you touching my elbow faintly and again I looked at you — all my fears vanished as I lay my gaze upon yours. Your eyes were bleeding, shining in ache and in anguish. I was there for you and you could only trust me so much to stare at me. You wanted to stay alive and I never took my gaze away, appreciating your battle to live.
But then you were crying blood, red and shiny and disgusting, and there was pain all over your face. There were scars and grimaces, and the most horrifying look upon your eyes. You said my name again, and I immediately responded with a tighter grip on your body. My eyes mirrored yours, as they got flooded with new portions of salt. We stayed there in silence, staring at each other, perfectly aware that the silence is sometimes more golden than all the words in the world.
The quietness of the moment was broken then, as your voice filled my ears. You said I had been too good for you, that you had never done anything to deserve so much passion and so much adoration from me. You said that I had given up my courage only because of your eyes, that I had been selfless in my love for loving you at such a painful distance. I didn't know how you knew so many things about my feelings, but I realized you had rummaged around in my heart. You said that you would be thankful for eternity and that you would never forget me. You said you would never forget me.
You said you would never forget me.
You eyes rolled shut silently. I waited for you to open them again; I wanted them open again, so I could read in them all those words you had whispered. You only sighed my name again, but I could only hold you tighter. I held you close, feeling your blood pulsing in your veins, under your soft already cold skin, but I needed your eyes to feel the completeness you always gave me. I buried my lips on your temple, still trying to earn another gaze from you. It could be the last one, but I just needed to stare at you again. It never came.
You started to narrow in my arms and I could only wish for the same final gaze. It never came.
So I held you for hours, your distinctive scent so noticeable in my nostrils, and I brushed my face on hair. I held you for hours and I knew it. That sigh you released next, it would be your final exhale. I knew. I knew and I never saw your eyes again, and I was aching with you until you vanished from my arms. I was crying with you.
There's a green forest and I'm wandering around. I'm lost. I'm alone.
I roam for a while, just admiring the view, feeling the rough skin of those trunks, hearing the leaves crashing together, tasting the sweet air the wind carried along, feeling every possible elements of a forest. I don't know where I'm going. I don’t know where my feet take me, but I take a deep breath and keep going. I trust my feet in this place.
There's a little castle and I'm strolling in that direction. I'm lost. I'm alone.
The castle is made of carton, and its touch is warm and small. It's a fortress, but also a disproportional doll house. There are tall brick walls around it and I'm suddenly confined in them, without an exit. There is suddenly no escape. I am trapped.
There's a colorful garden and I roam in it. I feel welcome. I'm no longer lost.
There's a wooden door and I know, but no one answers. I have no where to go. The door won't open and there's no gate on the brick walls to escape from. And now it's staring to rain and I can't go anywhere. I sit down. I sit on the doorstep, elbows on my knees, eyes looking ahead.
The door creaks, and then the rain stops. There's a sudden crack of sunlight filling the sky, unexplained, unexplainable. The door creaks again and there's someone behind me, I can feel them. I turn around and I see—
It's you again. It's you.
I am no longer alone. You're here to fulfill every blank spot in me and to save me from any loneliness and fearness and lostness. You're here and you're smiling, and your eyes are shining as usual. I don't dare to smile back, because my smile will never be as radiant as yours is. It's you and your sweetest smile, you and your flawless face, you and your faultless persona.
You sit down next to me. You sit on the doorstep and you smile. You smile and you say my name. You say my name and I soar. I soar because you reach for my hand, trading a gaze with me. Heaven is now a place on Earth, not a place for souls to rest after the bodies die. Hell is a misleading concept, an illusion taught to us, inexistent because you exist.
I grab your hand and you smile wider. Your other hand lands on my shoulder and I close my eyes in bliss. You tell me to open them, and I do. You tell me to look at you, and I do. You tell me to embrace you, and I do. And no matter what you ask of me, I obey blindly.
So I bow onto your chest and you hug back, you hug me utterly. I feel warm, as you just whisper words, those sweet little words that we all adore, and you whisper them in my ear. This is you, your face, your eyes, and now your voice. I have everything I have ever asked for. You sit with me, hug me, speak to me, and I'm in that Heaven you carry in your eyes.
I can feel your pulse on your neck when I lay my face on it. I can feel your heart and I match mine with that beating. You're so warm, and I'm so warm against your chest. You sing to me in that sweet voice, deep and low and sincere, and I listen. I listen and I breathe.
I will be waiting and you will come. You will talk to the others that will be waiting with me, and I will wait to be the last. My heart will beat as fast as it never had and my mind will be clogged like I never let it before. I will breathe easily because this will be happening. I will be meeting you and I will just have to wait. So I will.
You will come and I will soar, and the world will fade away. Everything will disappear; there will only be this blank space holding us alone. We will be alone in the emptiness because nothing will be able to sustain all the weight that you will bring with you, especially inside your matchless gaze.
I will look at you and you will look at me. I will stare at you and you will smile at me. I will shiver all over and you will speak to me.
"Do you want an autograph?" you will ask me and I will get so lost that I won't answer.
I will look at you and you will look at me. I will stare at you and you will smile at me. And again you will talk to me. "Do you want to take a photo?"
You will ask me smiling and my knees will go weak, but I will shake my head. I will try to tell you that I will want and need is nothing like what you offer me. I will only ask you for a hug. And you will smile and concede my wish, and everything will just come crashing down. Your real touch in my back and your real heart beating against my chest will be Heaven on Earth again.
I will place a soft kiss on your neck. I will feel your pulse fast under my lips, and I will embrace you. I will feel so tiny in your flawless presence and in your warm arms. I will feel at home in them. It will be so unique that I will be weak enough to cry in front of you. I will be ashamed if I cry, but I will not stop it. I will let the tears fall on your skin. I will feel you hug me tighter. I will shake with the tears and you will ask me:
“Why are you crying?”