Bands (and/or pairings): Panic at the Disco, Brendon/Spencer
Word count: 10,120
Warnings: non canon (characters' ages mixed up a bit to serve the plot)
Summary: In High School, Brendon gives everything he has to be part of the school band. He auditions for two years in a row, but doesn't get in until Spencer Smith, drummer extraordinaire, graduates and leaves the school band behind.
Despite living with that absence for the next two years, Brendon hears about Spencer's new band after he graduates himself. Then, he spends his first year in college stalking The Insomniacs to see if he can finally get Spencer's attention.
Author's notes: Written for bandomreversebb, for Art #22.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! to: 1) dr_jasley, for getting such interesting art pieces out for the competition, and for getting me involved in Brendon-fandom; 2) lalejandra, for tearing my text apart and giving me so many suggestions, for helping me understand more of the people I'm trying to write here, for making me do RESEARCH on them. You were brutally amazing!; and 3) kuriositet, for being a good beta, a great friend and for being part of this story for me, despite not being fond of the fandom involved. I love you <3
Disclaimer: My characters, their own looks.
Spencer's tongue feels heavy in Brendon's mouth. They're by the bar, making out while everybody else is moshing to the band that's playing. Brendon's never seen them before, but nothing can really compare to the weight of Spencer's body trapping his against the counter. It's heavy and hot, and his tongue is skilled enough that Brendon feels dizzy from their wild kissing, wild and vicious like the rock music coming from the stage.
It's unbelievable, especially the fact that this used to be a mere fantasy to Brendon. Yet now he's making out with Spencer — in front of people. If so, it must mean this isn't just a joke. This kissing must mean something more to him, otherwise he'd save it for a secluded space.
Brendon can't pull Spencer any closer, their bodies already pressing so close together, but he can bring one hand to Spencer's neck and squeeze it. He's tingling all over and the tilt of Spencer's hips rocking against his makes Brendon go crazy and moan into his mouth. His stomach vibrates from the intensity and his heart beats fast, because this was once a dream and is now real.
Spencer pulls away and moves his head to the side. His mouth lands on the side of Brendon's neck and moves up to just behind Brendon's ear. There's a kiss there, and a bite, and then Spencer shouts, "Let's go somewhere else."
Brendon turns his head to look at his face and understand the degree of this demand, but Spencer's already pulling on his T-shirt and walking them out towards the restrooms. Brendon isn't sure what is going on, but he lets himself be guided by Spencer. He's been into Spencer for so long, but didn't even think this could be a possibility. He can't stop now, though, not even long enough to figure out what changed, what made Spencer want him like this. He can't stop to think about what might have made Spencer want him the way Brendon has always wanted him, visceral and intense. So he doesn't think of anything at all and just follows Spencer to the restrooms, trying to figure out how the next scene is going to evolve.
In the restrooms, in a stall, Spencer locks the metal door and pushes Brendon against it — hard. Brendon's back stings, but he's willing to forget it as soon as Spencer's mouth covers his again. Their tongues dance all over each other, but Brendon can't lead this pace anywhere. He lets Spencer lead him to whatever dimension he wants, because Brendon has already had his fantasy made true.
That thought alone makes Brendon feel secure enough to kiss back with fierceness. He devours the mouth smashed against his and moves his hands to Spencer's ass, squeezing, pulling him close and moaning.
Spencer's hands are on his shoulders, squeezing just as tightly until his body quivers; Brendon can feel it through his own body. They're so damn close and it's so damn intense; he can almost hear Spencer's skin vibrating and humming low with each second. His own skin bubbles with fervor, and in Brendon's mind, there's so much more than kissing going on.
When Spencer pulls back from the kiss, he stares at Brendon, then puts one hand under his chin and forces his face up. The expression on Spencer's face is one of a predator; and he looks so intensely into Brendon's eyes. Spencer pushes his hips hard against Brendon's crotch and Brendon can feel his cock, big and hard inside his pants. Spencer mouths at Brendon's neck, biting, and breathes against it like he can't stop teasing Brendon, but it's so hot and Brendon feels goddamn needy that he can't resist. He tilts his hips forward and Spencer moans loud.
"I wanna suck you off," he announces, and it's Brendon's time to moan. He can't really say no, because it's a wonderful suggestion. No one has ever made Brendon this hard before. He wants to lose himself in the feeling. It's nothing new, though. He remembers wanting to lose himself in Spencer's arms years ago… but he's not sure Spencer remembers.
"You look so fucking delicious," Spencer whispers. When his breath wafts over Brendon's cheek, Brendon shivers, feeling goose bumps come up his spine. Brendon is so turned on, and Spencer is the one to blame for this.
Spencer mouths at Brendon's neck, and his hands slip over Brendon's hips to the zip at the front of his pants. When they're unzipped and unbuttoned, Spencer slides one hand inside, cupping Brendon's hard cock with his huge palm and says, "You're not just a kid anymore, Brendon, and you're gorgeous."
Three years before…
Brendon feels very nervous about this. It's the end of the school year, his freshman year in high school, and he can't contain his anxiety. He's the last one in the hall, waiting to be called into the school auditorium. There's tryouts going on for the school band and Brendon wants in. One would think tryouts should be at the beginning of every school year, but this band works a little different. The senior members that will graduate soon want to be a part of who they choose to move on with the band. One would think tryouts should happen in September, but this band respects their senior members and wants them to have a say in the new members before they graduate.
When he first heard about it, he was curious to know what kind of work they did as a band, because most of the school bands Brendon had been exposed to hadn't been advanced in their performances or even in choosing their repertoire. This band, though, claimed to be very rock-and-roll and open-minded about music, and the guys in the band really look like they know what they're doing. Brendon had realized that at the very first show he saw them play at the homecoming dance, back in September. He had been impressed by the quality of their sound and their choice of songs — more rock and punk than the usual pop and classical. It felt so different right away that Brendon always dreamed of being a part of it.
This is his chance. He's heard about the tryouts that the band has at the end of every school year, to replace the senior students who graduate high school and therefore have to leave the band. Brendon heard they don't accept anyone below junior year and he is only going to be a sophomore next year, but it can't hurt to try. They'll probably accept Brendon's audition, at least.
When the last kid comes out and Brendon goes in, the band isn't really paying attention. They're talking to each other, probably commenting on the last candidate, so Brendon just goes down the small set of stairs and stands in front of their table.
After the introductions, when they ask for Brendon's name and year and aptitudes, he gets down to business. There are several musical instruments up on the stage and nobody told Brendon he has a specific span of time to complete his audition. Therefore, he uses his best weapons, one by one, and plays guitar, the bass, and the keyboard, and never stops singing. When there isn't anything else to give, he feels pretty confident that he finished what he had kind of prepared in his mind.
He thinks he did okay and smiles while the last note hangs in the air. When it's time to hear the band guys' opinions, though, they don't seem very impressed.
The guy who Brendon knows to be the drummer says, "I want to give him a chance."
The others, however — especially the two senior guys who will be leaving the band in less than two months — say they don't want Brendon in. There's a guy with black hair and a pale face who says, "He's just a kid. He won't bring anything to the band. I don't think so."
That comment made Brendon feel really small in the room, being the only freshman — the youngest of them all.
But it was only the first comment anti-Brendon based on his age. He knew all along it'd be an obstacle, since the band was formed by junior and senior students and, as far as he's heard, it's been the same way for years. He'd wanted to prove his freshmen friends wrong, but apparently they were right. He won't make it to the band just yet because he is just a kid. What he can play and sing doesn't really matter, nor that he's been in school bands before, throughout his middle school years, or that he's capable of putting up a multi-instrumental show. None of that matters because he's just a kid.
The guys dismiss Brendon afterwards and, disappointed, he leaves the auditorium. Someone calls out for him, though, as he's closing the exit door. He looks back and sees the drummer running to him, with a determined expression on his face. He stops in front of Brendon, holding the door open, and says, "I dunno what's going on with the other guys. I'm sorry they were so rude to you about your age. I really think you kicked ass; the kids we admitted into the band didn't give half the show you just did. I loved it!"
Brendon smiles a small grin. The drummer's face up close makes something clench in Brendon's stomach — and he's just complimented Brendon. That's something Brendon probably won't ever forget. So he replies, "Thanks! And it's fine, I am just a kid."
"But you aced that shit on stage and you were comfortable with it. That's the attitude I'm looking for in the band, but no, all they care about is your age. It shouldn't be important. From what you played — and I think it was an original composition, wasn't it? — you deserve to get in. But I can't decide on my own, so I'm sorry. You can always try again next year," he says with a smile and a pat on Brendon's arm.
"Thanks, I guess." Brendon can feel his cheeks flushing red, from receiving a compliment from the guy in the school band who Brendon looks up to the most. He's seen him on stage with the band and he always plays with a crazy expression over his face; he plays like he owns the drum kit and the whole stage.
"Despite your age, you know, I think you're pretty talented."
"Spencer!" someone calls from inside the auditorium.
"I've gotta go." And he goes. When Spencer goes, Brendon realizes that he's never known his name before. He had been so focused on watching him play and daydreaming about it when it was over that he hadn't really paid attention to the emcee announcing the band guys' names.
"Bye," he says, but it's barely a whisper.
Brendon is thrilled, not only by having heard the drummer's name for the first time, but also by his compliments. It didn't sound like a joke. Spencer had seemed really honest when he said Brendon was talented. He thinks Brendon is talented! That is not a bad reason to be happy and practically glued to the floor.
Only when the auditorium door closes after Spencer does Brendon comes back to himself and smile. He ends up leaving the school feeling content that day, despite not having been chosen for the band. After all, he did get complimented. By Spencer.
This is most likely the very beginning of the rest of Brendon's journey through high school.
In September, after a summer filled with dreams of Spencer and his words, Brendon goes back to school with a new attitude. He's confident about who he is and what he likes to do; he's confident about his group of friends and proud of his grades last year. He no longer walks with his eyes down, like he did when he was just a freshman and older guys liked to bully him. He laughs out loud and walks the halls with a new stomp in his step. This is high school, but it doesn't have to be a traumatic experience for him.
Especially because now he can nod at Spencer when they cross paths in the halls, and actually get a nod in return. Getting that from a senior student makes Brendon feel more at ease with his age and attitude, and his friends look at him kind of weirdly every time it happens. Then they decide to ask him why he's greeting a senior band guy in the halls and he shares the reason very gladly.
Aside from that, Brendon makes sure he goes to every show the band gives — there's the homecoming dance, the Halloween party and every Friday night in between. Sometimes Brendon likes to go into their practice room, where others are free to go watch them play outside the lights of the stage, and it's luscious to see Spencer in his natural habitat with his friends and their music. Brendon doesn't want to miss out on any of Spencer's expressions, whether he's playing or not.
He knows that's probably obsessive, but he can't really help it. There's a stronger clench in his stomach this year and it gets worse and worse with every time Brendon sees him playing his drums and smiling at the music he's making. He must be proud of it and he's got all the reasons to, Brendon thinks.
After all, their school band is known for its fresh attitude in the world of school bands. They stand out in a world of pop and classical music with their rock music and they're fierce while playing. They have gone to county and state competitions, but never made it really far. Brendon shares the opinion of many about how underrated they are because of their music choices. Brendon totally prefers them this way, a huge fanatic for awkward rock music as well, even though some people don't know how to appreciate their effort. Brendon knows and he feels like he'll be a fan for life. Especially Spencer's fan.
At the Christmas party, after the last week of classes before the winter break, Brendon confirms the state of his feelings towards Spencer. They are all very drunk, celebrating the beginning of winter break with a party at a junior student's house. He'd invited pretty much everyone from school and, since it would be an open-minded party where everyone would have fun, Brendon went willingly and brought his friends with him.
His friends, however, are long gone on the couch, passed out from too much alcohol in their system. Brendon has drunk his share, absolutely, but he can't miss this for anything in the world.
They're playing a very drunk and laughable truth or dare, as cliché as it is, but they have set some sort of hierarchy. Apparently, it's the way the senior students have played it for a long time, claiming that it's better this way because they know what to expect from the next dare. They say it avoids thinking too much for an inventive dare when they're too drunk to even think properly.
In this game, the dares have some sort of order, starting with drinking and moving on to a sex, from chaste touches in the face, to a small peck of lips, to timed make-out sessions, and so on. It gets more creative from then on, but according to a senior girl, they rarely get there because they're too drunk to care to continue the game.
Right now, the bottle stops in front of Spencer. He's sitting cross-legged across from Brendon, amongst his own friends, but Brendon doesn't really care. He's having fun, laughing at what people have to do. It's hilarious how they all know what's the next dare, since they've got that order to follow, but it's still fun. It's simple too, because the only thing they have to do is spin the bottle and enjoy the game.
The girl that spun the bottle smirks at Spencer. Brendon knows she's one of Spencer's friends, but he can't really tell if he ever knew her name. And it doesn't matter. Brendon takes another sip from his beer bottle and hears her say, "You're at heavy make-out level, right?"
Spencer nods. That settled, it means that the girl only has to choose someone to make out with Spencer. Brendon takes a casual sip from his beer bottle, but swallows with difficulty. It's not that he wants to do it himself, because he can imagine the embarrassment that would come with it, as there is always that clench in his stomach when Spencer is involved.
The girl chooses him. Brendon swallows again. He doesn't know how random it was, but the girl's finger is pointing at him and, afterward, Spencer's eyes turn to him. Brendon doesn't really know what to do next. It's not like he has never played this kind of game before, or like he has never kissed other people before, especially when he has already drunk a few beers, but this is different. This is Spencer, and the clench in Brendon's stomach gets tighter and tighter inside him.
The scariest part is that Spencer has no idea of the turmoil going on in Brendon's gut. Adding to that, there's the reason why the girl chose him for Spencer's dare. He can't understand it, because he never let out any sign of his feelings for Spencer, so it can't be to embarrass him.
The truth, however, is that Brendon is very nervous and anxious. He has kissed people before, but not someone as good-looking as Spencer, or as talented as Spencer, or as adorable as a drunken Spencer. There is so much to love about him, like his reckless laugh and his wide smile and his shiny eyes, even the slight beard covering his face, making him look so manly and sexy. Even Spencer's clothing choice turns Brendon on every fucking time.
It's hilarious how he fell so easily for someone he doesn't really know. He's only talked to Spencer about the band — the rest, he has observed in halls and at live shows at school and has dreamed about, but that's pretty much it. Yet Brendon is head over heels with Spencer and this dare doesn't help his cause.
Spencer walks on his knees closer to Brendon, he sees when he focuses back on the present scene. He also notices how gorgeous Spencer looks, gorgeous and delicious and it's actually a small surprise for Brendon. He's clearly drunk, laughing at someone's joke even though Brendon can't really process it in his brain. He's a little drunk himself, but his mind isn't clogged by the alcohol.
It's all about Spencer.
Brendon is very much aware of this and Spencer is moving in slow motion, closer and closer, whispering something at Brendon that he can't understand. There are too many tingles on the base of Brendon's neck and inside his chest.
Then, Spencer's hand flies to Brendon's shoulder and his face leans in. Brendon can't move. He notices the slow movement of Spencer's eyelids shutting, shielding every emotion he could possibly transmit to Brendon. He inhales and, when he exhales, it's already against Spencer's lips.
They're soft, damp and warm, rubbing against Brendon's at a steady pace. Brendon's heart is still fast and unstoppable, and it doesn't get better when Spencer's lips open up and his pointy tongue flicks out. Brendon can feel it so well, because his brain is focused on his mouth and the feeling is astounding. It's everything Brendon ever wanted, ever since Spencer said he's good looking. It was inevitable.
Soon, it's not only lips on lips, or tongue on lips. Brendon's tongue comes out to play, to explore Spencer's mouth in return and fulfill this level of dares for him. It also fulfills Brendon's fantasy.
The kiss doesn't make Brendon completely satisfied, though. He feels like he's sucking Spencer's essence off of him — or, at least, the flavor of alcohol that he doesn't recognize. There's a lot of booze in the house and Brendon has only drank beer and a couple of vodka shots. This tastes very different. It's softer and fine, like Spencer had access to luxurious drinks that Brendon's never tried before. And it doesn't really matter, because he's tasting them in the best way possible: through Spencer's mouth.
He licks into it, as deep as he can and, when it's over and Spencer pulls away, Brendon's panting and craving for much more. He tries to keep his eyes open, pretending that he's not savoring that taste of alcohol and Spencer, but this is overwhelming him.
The game goes on, but Brendon doesn't really focus until the bottle points at him and he has to pay attention to his dare. He leaves the game after that, though. He can't really focus on anything else but Spencer's taste lingering on his taste buds.
The memory of that kiss hangs on inside Brendon's mind for a long time. He may even dream about it some nights, but it's more a thought than anything else. Brendon remembers the game, the dare and the taste, yet it feels like he might have just dreamed it all. He was drunk, after all, so maybe he passed out sooner than he thinks. Especially because Spencer only nods at him in the halls and he's a senior; why would he waste time making out with a sophomore like Brendon? It doesn't really make sense, and none of his friends know about it either, so Brendon is almost convinced that it's more wishful thinking than an actual memory.
The most intense sensation and reminiscence comes at the band's next show. It's the afternoon of their day off from classes between the end of fall term and the beginning of spring term. It's a Monday; in the morning, every class'd had instruction as to how the following term will proceed, with lists of attendance days, holidays and exams dates, while the afternoon is dedicated to performing arts: the Drama Club shares a short play with the rest of the school population, an original script from a senior student who'd graduated last year; the Math Club does a presentation and hosts a contest to show off the members' skills; the Chess Club holds a tournament.
As for the school band, the five members play for about thirty minutes. It's an awkward feeling, but by watching Spencer on stage, drumming in his crazy, fierce way, Brendon remembers everything. He can feel the mouth on his, the weight of another tongue, the taste. It drops a stone in his stomach.
The realization that it happened, Brendon hopes it doesn't make him look like a fool to anyone else. Maybe no one remembers what happened the way he does. Maybe it's not a big deal to anyone else.
Brendon shakes his head at himself to clear his thoughts. Thinking like this isn't helping him at all. Yet the memories live in the deepest of his core and he has to admit to himself that it had been a nice kiss. He remembers how it felt and it's still overwhelming to think that he made out with Spencer Smith, senior and drummer extraordinaire.
And then it hits him.
Brendon had thought it was a dream because it's his fantasy; he had wanted to kiss Spencer, but had never admitted it to anyone, not even to himself. However, the realization of how real that kiss had been makes Brendon understand: he totally is way over his head with Spencer.
He really is infatuated with him.
The school year ends and with it, there is a new audition week for the band. Brendon's nervous as fuck this time because Spencer will be there with his friends, and maybe they remember Brendon; maybe they won't want Brendon again; maybe it wasn't about age but skills. Maybe he's not talented at all, or good at any of it.
He remembers having been in his classes today, completely unfocused on the teachers, what was being said or written on the white board. In his mind, he had only the band and this audition. He kept thinking about what he wants to play, an explosion of images and sounds that might come true in a few minutes. But fuck, Brendon is really nervous.
Despite his insecurity, Brendon walks in to the amphitheater. He's shaking, but tries to walk with his head high to bring his self-esteem back up. He can do this.
In fact, he does it. He plays everything he knows — the piano, the guitar, the bass, the drums, because he does remember some things he learned from a few lessons when he was in middle school. At the time, he hadn't liked them much, but today they come in handy. He wants to impress Spencer and it actually brings a smile to his face; Brendon is very proud of that. In the end, he thinks he did well with the audition. He just has to listen to the band's opinion.
Spencer is the first to get up as soon as the last note Brendon played stops sounding around the small theater. The rest of the guys remain sitting down and kind of look at Spencer as he approaches Brendon. He gulps, because this means proximity and he's not sure how ready he is to be close to Spencer. His heart is already speeding up and that might become a problem, especially if he becomes unable to utter a single word to Spencer in case he speaks to Brendon.
Spencer pats his shoulder and turns to his band friends. He says, "I want him in the band, guys. I wanted him last year, but the rest didn't agree because he would be in sophomore year and the band policy dictates that we only accept junior and senior students. It's been like that for a long time, I guess, but I was ready to break the rules. Anyway, he didn't play with us this year, but he'll be a junior next year and I'll be out. Jessie will be out, too, as will Cleo, and the band needs a musician. No offense, Ryan and Daryl."
"None taken," say two of them. Brendon doesn't know them at all, except that they're part of the band until they graduate next year.
One of them continues. "I loved his audition. I don't know about last year, but I loved what he did just now. There's definitely that x-factor somewhere in him."
"Exactly." Spencer grins at his friend, then turns to grin at Brendon. Brendon can't grin; he just gulps past the sudden lump in his throat created by the look on Spencer's face. He looks really happy about what was just said and it having been about Brendon; it's really flattering.
"You're in," Spencer says next, softening the grin into a small smile. "Meet us tomorrow in our practice room to discuss how it'll go next year, okay?"
Brendon nods, smiling back this time. He still can't speak, but he is in the band now.
It's only the next day that Brendon realizes that Spencer is finished with high school and leaving. They're in the band's practice room, this year's members and the three new students who made it through the week of auditions. But Spencer won't be in the band anymore.
That thought gets Brendon down a little, because he loves this band so much and Spencer is part of it. Having the band, being in the band, and not seeing Spencer there… Brendon thinks it will lose half the magic. He hadn't thought about that before, and it's a little depressing, but he doesn't show any weakness.
Inhaling and exhaling quietly, he focuses back on what's being said. Ryan is saying, "The main problem we have now is that no one actually auditioned specifically for the drums. And we'll need a drummer next year, since Spencer's graduating."
"Except for Brendon." He looks up and follows the voice echo back to its owner. Spencer had said that, which was ridiculous, because Brendon had only really played the drums for a few minutes. It was not really meant to be taken seriously; it was basically Brendon showing off. He is not a drummer.
"It was nothing," he says, feeling the rush of embarrassment fill his cheeks with color. He tries looking at Spencer in the eye, but it's not something he can do at the moment. They eyes are staring back at him, so Brendon looks down at his cheekbones because it's close to the eyes and he can pretend he isn't avoiding Spencer's gaze. "I mean, I only played a couple of sequences. It wasn't meant to be taken as my career project, or anything."
"But didn't you tell us you had drum lessons in the past?"
Brendon doesn't remember mentioning that, but maybe his mind had been too clogged with something else at the time. Like it's been clogged with Spencer every now and then, of course. "Well, I did take lessons a few years ago, which is why I decided to show off a little for the sake of the audition," he confesses. It doesn't help his embarrassment, but he moves his eyes up. He can't be afraid of looking at Spencer just because he feels like a kid in love. Which maybe he actually is, but it doesn't matter. "I just don't think I'm that good at it. Not as good as someone who only plays the drums, that is."
"We can train you, like," Spencer says, interrupting himself. He remains quiet for some time, considering the rest of his reply. Brendon does not avert his eyes from Spencer's face, this time. It looks beautiful with the light of this spring day shining on his angles, but Brendon needs to focus on what Spencer is saying. "If you want to play the drums for us, that is. You don't have to accept just because."
Brendon thinks about it for a while, but… There's just the fact that the band needs a drummer and they don't have anyone else, plus the fact that Spencer is a drummer and if it helps putting Brendon in—
"Well, I guess I'm in, then," he says, grinning. He interrupts himself before his mind plays any more Spencer tricks on him. It's bad enough that he's helplessly head over heels with him by now.
The grin on Spencer's face is cheerful and happy. He asks, "Is there anything, anything at all, that you can't do, Brendon?"
...and Brendon flushes.
The next Friday brings another surprise flush to Brendon's face. He's just putting some books into his locker and taking others out, right before the last class of the day and week, when a voice says, "I was thinking—"
Brendon jumps out of his skin in surprise, not having been expecting someone to talk to him. He is supposed to meet his friends in class, not here. So he turns around, rolling his eyes at the thought of his friends, but he finds someone else there. It's Spencer. He's looking at Brendon with a smile on his face.
At first, Brendon can't really say anything, because this has never happened before. Well, Brendon had never had anything in common with Spencer before, so now that the band is officially in both of their lives, it makes sense that Spencer is talking to him. He relaxes by shifting his weight, gulps down the awkwardness, and greets Spencer properly.
Then Spencer adds, "You did pretty well at practice the other day, I mean, with the drums. We talked about training you, but there isn't much time left of school, so I spoke to the other guys and they don't mind that I have this offer for you."
"An offer?" Brendon questions, still surprised. He hasn't been expecting anything from Spencer, let alone an offer related to playing drums for the band. He has no idea what it can be.
"Yes. You say you had lessons before, but that you didn't mean to be a drummer. Yet you play, so that's something. My offer is very simple." Spencer takes a small pause before he announces, "How would you feel about taking more lessons?"
"I'm not sure my dad would pay for that, really."
"With me? I could teach you some, show you my techniques. You're good what at you do, so it'll only enhance your skills. I'm sure you'll learn fast and—" Spencer pauses again. "And you wouldn't have to pay me a thing, except for taking my place in the band full-time next year."
There's a big, hopeful smile on his face now. It's one hell of an offer for someone who is infatuated with the possible teacher. On top of that, Brendon can barely think with the blood panging in his brain and his heart beating in his ears. So Spencer wants to teach Brendon how to play the drums for the sake of the band? Can Brendon deny that he wants it very much and refuse the offer?
There is only one thing that is left unanswered to Brendon. "When would these lessons take place?"
"During the summer," says Spencer, quite comfortably. He looks completely at ease with what he's offering, but Brendon can't expect anything different. He's the one who has feelings for Spencer, the one who feels awkward whenever he's around; not the opposite, as far as Brendon knows.
"I won't be leaving for college until late August and, although I might need some time to prepare everything, it's not like giving you lessons once or twice a week will be time-consuming enough to be a bother. Also, I know the lessons won't last that long, but they should be enough. You seem to do well with a drum set, so I'd be just giving you something more to work on, and to learn from," he concludes, smiling.
Brendon blinks at him. He's never really wanted to be a drummer. He played it at the audition to impress Spencer, not to replace him. That is quite the job, after all. Spencer is really good at it, drums like a crazy man who knows exactly what he's doing and will do in the next minute. Brendon isn't sure he can cover for him so quickly, after only a few lessons in the past, but with Spencer's help he can hopefully learn his own technique and do a nice job.
At least, he hopes so because he's about to agree with Spencer. This isn't an opportunity he should throw away, as Brendon will have the chance to spend the summer with him. Spencer has been in his mind and dreams for a long time, so there is no way Brendon can deny himself the pleasure of spending extra time with him, even more so if he's going to learn something. Soon he will be following Spencer's steps in music, in the school band.
Spencer looks at him almost pleadingly, as he adds, "You're a natural musician, Brendon. You'll do perfectly."
Brendon blinks at him again. This is the third time in two years that Spencer has complimented him on his music skills. Brendon could either shit or die from excitement. Yet he's so astounded and unresponsive that his reply comes out in a stutter: "T-thanks."
"So you're game?" Spencer asks, slowly, like he means to be sure about Brendon's answer. He hasn't said anything specific, really.
"Yeah, I'm game," Brendon replies at last. He's going to have summer lessons with Spencer to learn how to play the drums the way he does. Maybe the information isn't settling into his brain just yet, but it will soon enough, and Brendon will show much more excitement. He is definitely looking forward to these lessons.
When Spencer grins at him, though, Brendon's heart clenches.
Brendon spends his summer in between his family rendezvous, spending time with his friends, either playing the usual videogames, or going out to catch a movie or something to eat, and taking lessons from Spencer. Like Brendon predicted, the excitement didn't really kick in until he went home and woke up the next morning. When he thought about the conversation between Spencer and him, it finally sunk in what was going to happen. He understood how big a deal this was, spending a few afternoons alone with Spencer. Sure, he'll be just learning how to play the drums, but considering his racing heartbeat and occasional stutter, Brendon is in for quite a long summer.
The lessons happen twice a week at Spencer's house. He has his very own drum set in the garage, a pretty awesome one that takes up a lot of space, and Brendon tries to have fun while he's learning. The first days are the most complicated ones, since Brendon feels excited and nervous and a complete love wreck all at the same time, but he controls himself. After the first two weeks, Brendon starts going over to Spencer's house with a smile on his face and an easy feeling in his stomach.
By the middle of August, Brendon can play every song in the school band's repertoire. Maybe he's a little rusty in the attitude of his playing, according to Spencer, but that's something he will have to work on during the band practices. Spencer tells him, "Playing in a garage is completely different from playing the real shows and you need an established attitude. Don't play because we asked you. I've seen a lot more from you when you auditioned for us, so make sure you don't look like you're just doing it because you have to. Have fun with it, please."
Brendon promises he will try to let loose and have the best fun with the band. Spencer grins at him, but this time his heart doesn't clench. There barely is a reaction now, because grins and kind words and compliments from Spencer have been usual the whole summer. Brendon has learned to let go of his defenses in front of Spencer and that is saying a lot about him and his infatuation.
By their last afternoon together, Spencer looks really happy with the outcome of these lessons. He says, "You'll be a great drummer for the band, Brendon. You really are a natural musician. I mean it, it runs in your fucking veins!"
After that exclamation, Brendon doesn't know how to react, so he lets the next moment of silence slowly drop over them. He can thank him and walk away with it, or he can reply with a joke or in a similar compliment. He can even kiss Spencer, for all he knows, but he doesn't.
Brendon chooses the simple way of thanking him for the compliment. Then he leaves the garage and doesn't look back. He doesn't take goodbyes very well. He knows Spencer is only leaving for college, but still Brendon leaves with security on his mind. He tells himself he will never see Spencer again.
Well, Brendon doesn't see Spencer until two years later.
He chose California because it's away from home; sure, Vegas is only a few hours away by car, but at least Brendon can free himself in college while only being visited by his parents once in a while — they have said something about visiting twice a month, and Brendon appreciates their confidence in how he can make it by himself for longer than a week. The family situation has been awkward for the past nineteen months, with his parents talking to him in charades. It didn't take him long to understand one thing: his parents are becoming more and more obnoxious, less and less connected in their marriage and Brendon wants out. Even if only for a few years, but he wants — he needs to let go, feel free, feel happy somewhere.
Life has depressed him. Well, apart from the school band.
He got to be a drummer for the whole of junior year and had a lot of fun doing it, like he had promised Spencer after the last lesson. He loves his bandmates and they still are rad on stage. Plus, for senior year, Brendon got to be the lead vocalist, since Ryan graduated and a sophomore kid auditioned for the drums and did his best with his awesome, focused skills.
That was even better for Brendon. He became sassy and started prancing around the stage like it had always belonged to him. He could sing, play guitar, play the keyboards, even play bass in some songs; he could have it all while having the best fun in the world. This band had helped him have a nice experience in high school.
On a particular late summer evening, Brendon is home alone. He's in his bedroom, lying on the bed watching a talk show on television. He likes it a lot because it always has awesome guest bands and, of course, Brendon dreams of being up on that mini-stage doing his thing — but he needs a real band for that, not a high school one.
Today, he doesn't know the band the host announced, The Insomniacs. When they start their song, Brendon hears attentively and enjoys their alternative rock, easy and entertaining enough. He can't help but notice the people in the band, though. The lead singer, who is also playing bass, is wearing tight pants and has eyeliner all over his eyes. The guitar players are dressed in matching T-shirts with the band logo and jeans with several colorful patches that look ridiculous but kind of stylish.
Brendon's foot is knocking the air to the rhythm of the bass, enjoying the kind of intricate music they play. For a second or two, the camera focuses on the drummer — Brendon has seen that face before. But the image disappears too fast.
Brendon shakes his head at himself for thinking that someone he ever knew could be on national television. However, the image of the drummer comes back later and the angle is different, closer, and he gets a better look to the face of the drummer. He climbs down the bed and kneels in front of the TV set, waiting for the drummer image to come back.
When it does, he squints hard, but it's unnecessary this time. The camera focuses even closer this time and that is definitely Spencer. Brendon never really forgot about his "master," because his lessons were great and his face was great and his everything was gorgeous. And now he's on TV!
Brendon never wanted him more than this, more than right now.
The song ends and the host greets the band members quickly, as the show is almost over. He announces that The Insomniacs won a local competition and will be signed with a small record label Brendon has heard of before, based in LA. All the band guys are grinning and it's striking the way—
It's all about the way the studio lights hit Spencer's face. He looks happy. He looks gorgeous, his jawline still very defined and his eyes still wide and focused, but there's something different about him. He's thinner and his body angles are more squared, but it doesn't matter. It's him.
Brendon misses him. He needs to feel alive again and suddenly, he is very glad he chose California to go to college.
Brendon goes to his first show only one week after landing in Los Angeles and unpacking his things in the dorm room he was assigned to. He read every newspaper there was in the huge library, searched several keywords on Google and snooped into every online corner of the local record label; he even created a Facebook account to stalk the band account and read about any news.
He heard about this show only two days after he settled in.
At the club, there is a small crowd hanging around, waiting for the band to come on stage. Brendon made sure he was here over one hour before the show is set to start, just hanging around, getting familiar with the small club and the kind of people who came here. He tries to mingle, drinking some with help from his most precious fake ID, letting the bartender entertain him when the bar is low on people, letting anyone chat him up if they need, then he sets himself as close to the stage as he can. He wants to be up front and, judging from the position of the drum set, he might have a beautiful angle of Spencer's face — if the guitar player on that side of the stage does not impede that. Brendon wants, he needs his own close-up on Spencer's face.
Brendon's heart speeds up when the lights go down; he can't control it. The crowd moves closer to the stage, surrounding Brendon completely, until the club is a roaring ocean of people. The band comes and everybody cheers, but Brendon stays put. He can't trust the rhythm of his heartbeat, afraid that it will stop as soon as he moves.
He focuses on Spencer instead. That's all he really needs during the entire show. This is about having come to see Spencer again, maybe get noticed if he can get that lucky, maybe even be recognized. So basically Brendon spends the entire show barely moving, barely listening; he evaluates Spencer's looks instead.
It's definitely the same person, he can see that because of the energy and the face and the beard. Brendon remembers when Spencer went to school without the beard; apparently he had lost a bet, according to what Brendon had heard at the time, but he had noticed how Spencer looked twelve years old. And he has always looked so sexy with it, because it frames his jaw really well and looks groomed and nice, so Brendon has no idea why he insisted in betting over his beard, but whatever.
At the same time, it's a different person. He's definitely thinner, even more so than it looked on TV; Brendon can perceive some of the bones through his striped shirt and on his forearms. His shoulders look more squared, like he's trying to seem taller than he actually is. There is also a rawer expression on his face, like an experienced look from an elder man. All that, though, combined with his still demented playing, makes Spencer look proud and satisfied of his current situation.
It is such a gorgeous picture of Spencer that Brendon will never forget. Click.
Many shows follow after that and Brendon makes it his goal to not miss a single one. And, in fact, he doesn't, even if some nights he has to leave his college essays half-finished on his dorm desk to get ready to go out. Sometimes he takes his college friends, too; other times he doesn't, but he always, always watches the band from up front. Some days he feels like moshing, if he had a rough week, but he's always by the stage, blinded by most of the stage lights. He does so to have his own close-up of Spencer's face and drums.
He grins throughout the entire show every single time, grins like a maniac who simply can't stop, or maybe like a teenager in love. He's proud of that, though. Every night, Brendon gets to know some of the other people who follow The Insomniacs, but they never comment on the fact that Brendon always nods at them from the front row and doesn't fucking move until the show is over and the band guys have left.
Some nights, the lead guitarist winks at Brendon because he's always on the same spot, in the perfect angle to see that perfect profile Spencer has. Brendon can never miss his own close up. Click.
Every night he looks up at Spencer and click, click.
Every night he picks up his cell phone and click, click, click.
Tonight, Brendon is celebrating the end of his first year at college by going out with his friends. The Insomniacs are playing at a club in a close town, opening for a three-member chart-topping band, so, of course, that is where Brendon suggests they go. His friends don't mind.
According to the information online, the club is holding a "ladies night" tonight, apart from the three-bands gig. The "rules" dictate that everyone can come to the party and have fun, but the ladies can have five drinks for free. One of Brendon's friends, Chris, a very outgoing, booze-friendly person, knows one of the owners and had asked if men can go dressed in drag and get the free drinks. According to him, the man had said, "As long as you look like a girl tonight, you get the free drinks. I don't care what's under the clothes."
Chris had grinned at his friends and suggested they all dressed in women's clothes for the night.
Brendon looks down at himself. Now that they're at the club, just hanging out after the three bands played, he doesn't feel very uncomfortable. He's wearing a knee-length denim skirt and thigh-high stockings that his friends chose for him when they went out shopping yesterday; and also a black and white striped blouse that apparently belongs to Chris's sister, but he has it in LA for whatever reason.
Brendon thinks he looks good, but that's probably from the four free, very alcoholic drinks he's already had. He laughs at his own thoughts and looks up at his friends.
They're by the bar, each of them enjoying the fifth free drink and talking. Brendon casually leans forward to listen to what Chris is saying when something slides against his hip. It comes with a voice, that says, "You look new in town, baby."
Brendon jumps, startled. He whips around and finds himself staring at a creepy, ancient-looking man who won't give up smiling at him. He seems to be very drunk, so Brendon pushes him and takes a few steps away to keep him at bay.
He steps back and says, as calm as he can manage, "I'm — I'm not interested."
He takes a couple of more steps back, keeping his gaze on the man, but he can see his friends through the corner of his eye, so he's all right. Except then he bumps into someone. He turns around.
This time, he finds himself staring at Spencer. All of a sudden, it's like it hasn't been close to three years since the last time they were this close. "Hey, watch out!"
"Sorry, I'm not—" Brendon starts, but he's interrupted by Spencer's next exclamation.
"Hey, you're the guy at the front!" he says, with a wide smile. He punches Brendon's shoulder hard, but his tone sounds celebratory.
"What?" Brendon blinks at him, not really understanding what he means.
"You've been to all of our shows lately, haven't you?" Spencer asks, nicely. He looks so honest and beautiful right now, the way he always looked to Brendon's eyes. It's like he hasn't aged one bit, or like it hasn't been so long since he graduated and walked out of Brendon's life.
"Y-yeah, pretty much," he says, nervously. He can't be sure if he wants Spencer to recognize him from those old times or not. It's exciting that Spencer likes to see him as a fan, but the rest still leaves an uncertain trace of nervousness in Brendon's core. He's the head-over-heels teenager all over again, even after two years of barely seeing him and several months stalking his band.
"It's cool to have such a dedicated fan, you have no idea."
"Yeah? Well, you guys are good — you're great," Brendon stutters. The grin he shows Spencer is kind of strained, because his heart is beating as fast as it did all those years ago. Brendon can barely believe this himself. He just stares at his high school secret crush, not knowing how to react properly or what to do next.
"You okay?" Spencer asks, losing the grin. He steps closer to Brendon, staring back, right into his eyes. His are shining and intense. Brendon wants to be closer to Spencer, kiss him the way he still wishes he had done while they were in school, after that drunken make-out at the party before Christmas break. Now it's too late. He doesn't know what Spencer likes or what he's into, or if he is available to kiss.
"Yes, I'm fine," he replies, thinking fast of something to relate this thoughtful state to. The answer comes clearly to his mind, as the ghost of a hand touches his hip and he reminds himself of the last scene at the club before Spencer came back into his life. "Some creepy old guy freaked me out, that's all."
"I can imagine why," Spencer says, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows. He gestures with his head towards Brendon's chest and, well, his fake bosom made of cotton and a bra.
"Free drinks, Spencer. Don't underestimate the power free booze has on college dudes." Brendon grins back at him, proud of his outfit. He's with his friends in this, so there's no harm or embarrassment in showing off his choice for the night.
"Oh my God, a fan who knows my real name!" Spencer exclaims, sounding like he means to tell a joke. A wave of heat rushes to Brendon's face, anyway. He doesn't think much of it, but it's not because of the band that Brendon knows his name, although Spencer might think so. Whatever he thinks, though, it's not important at the moment. Brendon shrugs at himself. He's brought back to present time when Spencer hums, thoughtfully. "You go to every show, you always stay up front, you know my name, you probably know everybody else's names... What is this, are you stalking us? Should I be worried?"
Brendon's throat feels very dry with that question, even if it's a joke or pure rhetoric. He has been stalking Spencer and The Insomniacs, but it's not arbitrary. He doesn't want to give any kind of groupie impression. However, he tries to disguise his discomfort with a laugh, but it comes out obviously dry.
He clears his throat instead. Struggling for another type of answer, Brendon feels the perfect comeback right under his fucking tongue, but he can't make the connection between that and his brain. He's locked inside his own head, confused, uncomfortable.
When he looks at Spencer again, trying to see if he figured out Brendon's embarrassment, he is looking around. He waves at someone behind Brendon, perhaps one of his bandmates just called him and Spencer says, "I gotta go, but—"
He seems to hesitate, but shakes his head and asks, "You've got a name too?"
The question makes Brendon even more nervous. If he says his real name, will Spencer recognize him? He has changed as well, got a little taller, lost some weight and his face gained a new expression due to the stress of his family situation that hasn't calmed down yet, but will Spencer recognize him? Yet if he makes up a name and lies, will he be able to live with his own lie?
He just says, "I'm, hm, I'm Brendon. Hi."
"Hello," Spencer says back, in a suggestive tone. He puts his hand out and Brendon shakes it politely, even though he's sweaty, but he hopes Spencer doesn't understand it's a nervous sweat. Then, Spencer pulls on his hand and leans closer to whisper in Brendon's ear, "Nice seeing you, Brendon. I'll see you again at the next show."
At that, Brendon's heartbeat goes off. It's drumming to the rhythm of The Insomniacs' fastest song. He doesn't really know how he's still standing when his heart beats so fast; how is he not collapsing right in the middle of the club? He sighs and tells himself to calm down, while he turns around and his eyes follow Spencer as he joins his friends. He can't really believe Spencer talked to him like that just now. It must have been his imagination.
He notices Spencer standing next to his group of friends and looking back at Brendon. He doesn't try to look away or anything. His heart may be fast and his mind may be clogged with too many happenings in one single night, but he holds the gaze. Spencer looks at him with a funny expression all over his face, something curious yet knowing, then he raises his eyebrows high like—
Like he just figured Brendon out.
"I know who you are, Brendon. And I don't think it is by accident that you love our band so much," he says, breathlessly. His palm wraps around Brendon's hard-on, still inside his clothes, but it feels really good. It's warm and heavy and hot. It's everything Brendon wanted ever since he moved back to LA.
He still gulps, feeling hot all over, sweaty under every layer of clothing he's wearing. The air is thick and he can barely breathe, but he doesn't even struggle. He just lets Spencer control him and the moment; he lets Spencer take care of his body and mind. He won't deny that he feels so good by letting loose at last.
"I think you love stalking me. I bet you dreamed about this a lot before, some groping, kissing, some very hot sex, hm? It sounds delicious right now," Spencer concludes. He mouths and bites at Brendon's earlobe, harsh like he means to bruise. He probably will.
It's the tension that clogs Brendon's mind, this time. Spencer rubs his front against Brendon's thigh, moves his hand over Brendon's shaft and he can't hold on for much longer. His head is going to collapse, his heart is going to jump out of his fucking chest and he will be found in this stall as a violated corpse — violated by his own eagerness.
"Spencer, please," he begs, slowly. His voice is deep, hoarse, coated in heat and anxiety.
Spencer moans in his ear, before biting its lobe in a secret movement. Brendon helps him pull his pants down and get Brendon's cock out. Brendon can barely look down, with his body pushed against the stall door like this, but he catches a glimpse of his hard cock, the purple-red head, the leaking tip. It only intensifies what he feels. He moans.
"I think you're gonna—"
Before letting him say anything else, Brendon leans forward in a swift effort and kisses Spencer's mouth. It's right there, not expecting that, so Brendon catches it easily. It's still soft and hot, but Spencer deepens the kiss in an incredible way. Brendon can feel his tongue poking out, opening his lips, darting inside and licking crazily. It's driving him mad, that's the absolute truth and Brendon wants more, more, so much more.
He pulls back. "What? What is it?" he dares Spencer. He wants Spencer to finish what he was starting to say.
"I think you're gonna love what I'm about to do to you," he says, in one breath. It tickles Brendon's ear and flies down over his neck and spine. It leaves a stir on his skin, like it's burning hot and frenzied. "I hope it's not too late for you."
"No, it's not," Brendon hurries to say. He doesn't want Spencer to think that he's made it all this way, all these years just to get Spencer to fuck him. It's so much more than that, but hopefully he will have a long time to explain that to Spencer. He wants it so bad. "You're just in time, Spencer. Fuck, fuuuck."
He drags the last vowel while Spencer pulls his pants and underwear down. Brendon looks down and sees him on his knees on the dirty floor, looking hot, so desirable, really everything Brendon has ever loved and wanted. Suddenly, his mind is all about click, click, click. It's fucking incomprehensible.
Then Spencer leans forward, moves closer; he brings his hands behind Brendon grasps at Brendon's ass, placing a kiss below his navel. Click. Brendon is left moaning and shivering with all his want and he tilts his hips forward so that his cock grazes Spencer's chin. He smiles, looks up at Brendon and opens up his mouth, guiding Brendon's cock inside. Click. Brendon has to close his eyes.
He doesn't really have enough strength to keep his eyes open, the same way his mind is too damn clogged with these feelings to describe or even rationalize what happens next.